How do you describe your sexuality?

Do you ever run across something, and after seeing it you realize that while you were off, living your life, the world kinda changed? This is what happened to me today while I was investigating online how people describe their sexuality.  

I have been thinking a lot recently about the words that people use to describe their sexuality.  I think it really started when I heard my friend Kim describe herself by saying, "I'm not gay, but I'm not straight either.  I like to think I'm curvy!"  I loved that moment.  I loved hearing the individuality and play that went into describing this wonderful woman's sexuality in a unique and personal way.  I thought about how once, in a class with Buck Angel I had somehow found the courage to raise my hand and say- I'm awesomesexual I guess.  If you're awesome, I'll probably be attracted to you.  This week on the ScrewSmart facebook page I asked people how they described their sexuality.  I loved hearing back, "Lady Luva", "Pansexual", "twisted and bent", "Open to Suggestion", and "homoflexible" among others.  

I could almost hear the cardboard boxes labeled [L] [G] [B] ripping at the seems as people slowly demand that even the words used to describe their sexuality be seen as more individual to them and their experience.  I started looking around the big wide web- and I found so many things.  Little bees are really busy putting their thoughts about gender and sexuality out there.  This person denies that anyone can really say they are straight or gay or anything without being cisexist.  Now, I'ma be honest- I'm in the sexuality field and I didn't know what cisexist meant.  It sounds/looks like cis-exist...but turns out it's more cis-sexist in actual meaning. Ok, ok.  So Donkey the slow poke is catching up with new lingo.  Cool.  But then I found a website/project called The Sexual Fluidity Project.  This is what really took my mind and just blew it.  There are so many videos (I focused on the ones labeled, "How do you describe your sexuality") done by YOUNG folks talking all about the unique and personal sides of their sexuality.  It is both wonderful and slightly painful to watch in the same way that teenagers are often fantastic and painfully awkward.  As I flipped through the videos it took this one of a very charming and sweet 16 year old who says multiple times and with such earnestness, "I'm a pansexual" to finally break through my natural tendency to feel distaste for teenagers.  I stopped being a judger (it's a bad habit I'm trying to break, even in the privacy of home) and realized that there are a whole generation of kids who are feeling free to explore a wide landscape of sexual possibilities.  

This is the point! Right?  The reason ScrewSmart is in business is to encourage people to think openly about sex.  The kids (almost everyone I saw taped for this project seemed pretty young, right?) in these videos are doing this all on their own- because something in our culture educated them about it, and motivated them to give a damn.  It reminded me of my blog post about pondering whether or not being a freak is becoming cool.  To these young folks- it seems like owning a sexuality that is typically logged under the freak heading is at least worth enough social capital to video and put up on the web for strangers like me to wonder at.  

So this week, my tip of the Donkey Cap goes to the generation born in the 90's.  You're not that much younger than me- but I think you're living in a different world than the one I came up in.  You will change what typical is with this brazen openness to explore, your willingness to put yourself out there, and by diving into conversations about such a complex topic so eagerly.  You've certainly made me believe for this moment (oh, how the pendulum swings) that there are really important changes happening. Thanks!  And keep making those awkward and charming videos!!  Here are a few more:

Love!

Donkey

Importance of Community

Below I share a realization I had at the importance of my community.  If you have stories of love pumping through your own community I would really love to have them shared here.

There have been so many unsettling events in my community of West Philadelphia in the last week.  It is important to note that the sense of unease goes much deeper than just the 2 natural disasters that have struck this woefully unprepared and prone to panic part of the country.  The things, you know- OTHER than the two natural disasters, that have left me with crawling skin include such headlines as Missing 2-day old boy found in Philadelphia, which turned out not to be a devious and bizarre baby snatching, but a mother who's rights had been terminated trying to keep her son.  There was also an ENTIRELY burned out car right in front of dear Pumpernickle's home.  This shell of a car could have easily been a seriously dangerous situation if it had exploded or caught fire.   Finally, the thing that has been most on my mind was the death of a young woman in the West Philadelphia community.  I do not know enough about what happened to speak about the incident with respect other than to say that someone in my community died this week.  Her name was May, and from pictures of her it seems like she fit into a lot of the same identities that I see when I look in the mirror.  These things have all been individually disturbing, but all together have left me with an unshakable sense of fearfulness.  

In direct response to my own fear, I would like to look at what good has come out of these incidents. They have shed light on the important aspects of my community that I don't always take the time to appreciate. Communities have their own personalities- just like people.  I think West Philadelphia is the first community I have lived in that I would describe as warm, caring, and personal.  I had never personally met May.  We had lots of shared friends, and she definitely existed in this small community of West Philly folks that I recognize from around town.  Within a few hours of her going missing (which preceeded the news that she had in fact passed away) I had seen multiple facebook about her, seen missing fliers up in local shops, and had had conversation with many people about the fact that there was a missing person from our community.  Even though I did not know May or talk to anyone directly looking for her- I was invested and cared about her well-being.  She had many people looking out for her, and trying to help.  I felt it was an organic and community wide effort that was fueled by caring. The news that her body had been found was also shepparded in by many concerned calls, processing conversations, and collectively sad hearts.  

I have never lived in a neighborhood that really connects people as intimately as West Philadelphia does.  I feel like people really are connected here in the way that makes it feel small in a good way.  I can't walk down Baltimore Ave. without stopping to say hi! to a few people I know.  Whenever I have visitors in town, they always comment about how amazing it is that we see so many people I know well enough to stop and say hi to.  "It's just the way that West Philadelphia is," I always truthfully respond.  

Even as I am working overtime to process the amount of news that has shaken my world over the last week- I am thankful to look around and see that I'm in a community that supports me in these hard moments.  Hard moments are going to come no matter what- but I would much rather bare the weight of those hardships being surrounded by people who care.

I just returned from a clothing swap where an example of how to build community was modeled perfectly. The event was already pretty fantastic seeing as the hostess provided a shelter and champagne for our wardrobe switch-a-roo. Another friend schlepped enough chili to feed more than a few hungry mouths, whiskey to share, and oooodles of amazing clothes on public transportation from Northern Liberties (that's a long journey!) for our enjoyment. Her generousity and love reminded me of the small/big ways we can all work to make those connections that sustain and support us in the hard moments.  

Here's a really cheezy poster to get a list started. I would really love to hear people's stories of how their communities respond to hard times.  What do you do to build community?  Has someone shown you love and support in a way that left a mark?  This world just keeps getting crazier and scarier, and sometimes I feel like the only thing we have is each other. 

Love! Donkey

If Pop is Hip, Is Weird In?

The not-so-secret secret is that I am obsessed with Pop Music.  I'm often found going through the top 40 on the radio as I bounce around in my car- The Gay Disco.  Pop music matches the colorful flare of the interior of my ride, and my freakish need to sing and dance as I drive. I have to admit I have a preference for Pop Princesses.  It's easier for me to sing, and I (usually) enjoy the cheesy over-sexualized lyrics coming from a lady's mouth much more than a dude's.

I can't help but see connections among the things in popular culture that I love the best.  Here's my arguement: This past year has seen a serious trend towards giving props to the freaks of the world.  In many popular songs (specifically by ladies) being original, different, or...a freak, has become the thing to strive towards.  I think this is significant...and I'll explain why after I lay out my evidence.

Evidence #1- Pink "Raise your Glass":

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks

Evidence #2 - Katy Perry "Firework"

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Evidence #3 -

Lady Gaga's entire fucking discography and message...pretty much.

Evidence #4 Ke$ha "Take It Off"

There's a place downtown,
Where the freaks all come around.
It's a hole in the wall.
It's a dirty free for all.

Evidence #5- Katy Perry- Last Friday Video

Evidence #6 (kinda not-connected, but I argue SIGNIFICANT!) - Glee

Glee is a show where the weirdo's are often the hero's.  Things that often make kids targets in high school (like being gay or fat, using a wheelchair, being super annoying, and many other blatantly stereotyped caricatures) are often portrayed as the things that make characters unique, special, or strong. 

Ok. Ok. I think that's enough evidence.  Here's why I think this is both AWESOME and kinda scary...

Awesome: By focusing on the individual, the message I'm getting from pop culture could be seen as having feminist of queer theoretical roots.  If it's cool to be you, do you, and love yourself...than people who have typically been targeted for harrassment, called weirdos, and felt bad for not being normal...suddenly have a some social capital!  It is an approach which celebrates difference. I see potential (albeit small) for this to be carried over into a culture that encourages it's members to respect people who are different- culturally, in body, with who they wanna smooch, with how much money they have...etc...  

Problem: Many of these messages are wrapped up with hyper-sexualized images and lots of drinking! Instead of the message being, "Be cool with who you are because each individual person should  be seen as a significant and important person, to be treated with respect!", now the message gets blurred into "If you're a freak, don't worry about it.  Get wasted and have fun (fun = be very very sexual), and it'll all get better soon!"  Now why would I, a self identified sex-positive activist, have a problem with a message that tells people that sex = happy!! Basically, I think that the kind of sex being sold in these songs and by these artists, is still a dangerous sexual message that supports the whore/madonna complex for women in our society. 

I also see so many references to glitter and rainbows.  I can't help but think that this love of FABULOUS!, which has more traditionally saddled up within the gay or queer community, is certainly becoming hot in mainstream culture.  I...am torn about this.  On one hand I think being encouraged to be FABULOUS! is awesome and asks people to express themselves, take risks, and be larger than life.  On the other hand- if everyone is fabulous, is it still FABULOUS!...?

Are you QUEER enough?

RULZ to live by, or MY QUEER MANIFESTO!

WARNING! This is probably offensive, but is put out there in hopes of starting smart, thoughtful, fun dialogue. Deal?

Oh man, do I love me some queer theory.  I am a self-identified (though not pretentious...as this post will surely show) THEORY NERD! I've also got a bit of the super-community-whore in me as well.  I love being part of communities.  Getting involved, making food, making friends...It's my jam.  So what could be more interesting to me than the myriad of conversations I've been having recently about the Queer Community.  

These conversations are commonly in this vein: "I love the queer community, but I find it can be very unfriendly", or "I don't feel like I'm accepted in the queer community because I don't LOOK queer", or...there's always the good old, "I think I'm more part of the lesbian community than the queer community".  I have some strong reactions to these comments.

So, I thought I'd write about what QUEER means to me.  The hard and fast RULZ! of being queer (tongue in cheek here people, obvi there aren't rules).  But here's how I know a queer when I see 'em.

Rule #1.  Anyone can be queer.

Yup.  You heard me.  Anyone.  Straight, white, cis-gender, non-disabled, monogamous, vanilla, rich, stereotypically fit and attractive frat boys can be queer. Stop freaking. Read on to rule #2

Rule #2 Being queer is political, behavioral, as well as community based.

I will consider you queer if you a) support queer politics through words and actions in your life (which I see as feminist, focusing on bringing attention to how power and privilege work in our world, mostly to the disadvantage of people of color, poor people, GSM* people, fat people, people in the disability community, etc..) b) want to be in the queer community and c) support other people being queer in the ways that make them happy.

*Have you guys heard of GSM?  It stands for Gender and Sexuality Minority.  I think this acronym should include people who are into polyamory, BDSM, and sex work as well as the LGBTIQQA crowd.  Why?  Well because I still think that's a minority of people, and the majority of folks have some feelings about those sexual practices...mostly negative feelings.  So....I have started using GSM instead of LGBT a lot of times. And! I'd put GSMers into the queer pot as well.  Well, except for those who don't want to be in the pot.  They don't have to get into the pot if they don't want to.

Rule #3 You probably have a strong affinity for glitter, rainbows, and unicorns.  And Lady Gaga.

I can't explain this rule.  I just know it to be true in my experience.  If you hate these things, you can still totally be allowed into my queer club (which I didn't know I had til right then)...but I bet you're just SAYING you don't like them to be contrary.  But maybe I'm wrong, maybe you really hate those things even though you're queer.  That's cool.  You're rare, friend.  

My rulz of queerness have officially ended.  

What's the point?  Mostly I want the amazingly engaged, active, subversive and transformative power that I see harnessed within the queer community to be open to people who care about being engaged, active, subversive and transformative.  I don't want people to feel awkward or unwelcomed because they're not "gay enough", "queer enough" or "trans enough".  I want people who are radical to be fucking friendly to each other.  I want people who grew up wearing polo shirts and who still wear polo shirts, because that's how they're comfortable...to sit next to a totally DIY grunge outfitted kid and be able to talk turkey about making this world DIFFERENT and BETTER.  

This doesn't mean I don't support SAFE SPACES.  I do.  I think having space where people who share specific experiences can get together and talk shop or support each other is REALLY important.  I'm mostly saying that I wish being queer wasn't JUST about who you wanna get it on with, or being gendervariant.  I wish being queer meant what it says on the bumper sticker in my car:

 As opposed to this:

So.  Do you identify as queer?  I wanna know, What makes you queer?  

love!

Donkey